Do You Know Your Principles?

Do you occasionally experience conflict in your relationships with others? If you answered “no” to that question, then I feel honored to have Your Holiness the Dalai Lama reading my blog! For the rest of us, conflict is unavoidable. For a moment, think back to a time when you were in deep conflict with someone close to you. Can you remember the circumstances? Can you remember the feeling of it? Whether or not the conflict erupted into a full-blown argument, chances are you felt something in your body during that moment of conflict. For me, it’s a feeling of tightness in the pit of my stomach. For others, it may be a constriction of the chest or the throat. Whatever that feeling is for you, it’s worth noticing it consciously because it’s your early warning system. That feeling is likely telling us that our principles are getting stepped on.

When grappling with conflict in relationship, I encourage clients to think of themselves as a country.  (This idea comes from Organizational & Relationship Systems Coaching, developed by The Center for Right Relationship.)  I’ll ask, “When people visit your country, how do you like them to behave? In your country, how are emotions expressed? In what ways do people show enthusiasm, disapproval, love, compassion, anger, fear and joy?”

When you think about it, we all have our own cultural norms. For example, some of us express fear by going inward and becoming quiet, while others are more likely to lash out. Some prefer experiencing joyful moments in solitude, while others prefer to share the experience with others. Whatever our personal preferences, when we are in relationship with others, cultures sometimes collide making it difficult to communicate effectively. And sometimes, our cultural norms are located so deeply within our internal wiring that we might not even be conscious of them. These are the operating principles by which we lead our lives, and when they are unconscious, we tend to regard them as unquestionably TRUE.

I have one client, for example, who finds it almost impossible to engage in conversation when she senses anger (her own, but especially another person’s.) The expression of anger is so threatening to her, in fact, that she pretty much shuts down completely whenever it appears. Of course, that’s a pretty common reaction to anger, but not a universal one. Some people can actually interpret the open expression of anger as a show of intimacy. In this case, and without having to psychoanalyze the origins of my client’s fears around anger, it was helpful simply to acknowledge that they exist and play out in her behavior with others. As a result, she developed an understanding of one of her operating principles:

• Principle #1: I do not engage in communication to address differences when my partner and I are expressing anger.

Now that may seem like an obvious principle to some, but think about how often people engage in angry debate ostensibly in an effort to resolve conflict. Despite how ineffective the strategy (within some cultures), people do this all the time. Of course, sometimes it’s not possible for us to discuss differences without feelings of anger surfacing. For my client, however, becoming more aware of her operating principle around anger allowed her to communicate proactively about what does and does not work… for her.

When we discussed this principle further, however, she realized that she holds yet another competing principle. That is:

• Principle #2: I do not believe in allowing significant differences to remain unresolved in my close relationships.

Many of the recurring difficulties that my client was experiencing in her close relationships related to the tension that she was feeling between these two competing principles. As a result of clearly identifying them, however, she was able to discuss them more objectively with people close to her, and to develop agreements that acknowledge those principles. One way through for her, for example, was to express her commitment always to return to conversation after emotions had cooled down. Others could understand and feel more comfortable allowing for a cooling off period once it was made clear that she would always return to the conversation later.

What I love about this way of thinking in general is that, when interacting with people who are literally from other countries, I’m often more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. I simply assume that our cultures are different, and so I don’t as easily get upset when communication breaks down. Instead, I seek to find common ground and common language, and then work toward bridging the gap in our cultural divide. This line of thinking prompted me to wonder… What if we all treated others as if they came from another country, complete with their own unique cultural norms, behaviors and operating principles?

I'll close with a suggestion... The next time you get that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach, or in your chest or throat, ask yourself this question: What are my operating principles, and how are they being stepped on in this moment? If an answer comes to mind, ask whether you’ve communicated those principles to the people in your life.  Et voila... one step closer to world peace.